Big Knickers and Depression

My local coffee shop opened again this week and I went there yesterday, just to get out of the house. 

It was one of those wet and grey days and I had woken up feeling exhausted. Physically and emotionally. 

I have felt that way for the last few weeks. 

Without noticing, I have stopped going for walks, lost the energy to talk to friends and have been wearing the same jeans and jumper for days.  

I am slipping into a mild depression. My sister and mum suggested as much last week and I didn't want to hear it. I felt criticised; which is a sign of my depression. 

Other signs I’m slipping are intense negative thinking about myself, physical exhaustion and cold-like symptoms, combined with constant teariness. 

The penny only dropped yesterday, when I was welling up with the man at the table next to me in the cafe, that I have probably cried every day for the last two weeks.  

This man was someone I see on the street and we sometimes say hello. 

Normal convention would state that when he asked how I was, I should say ‘fine’. But yesterday I didn't. I said 'I'm pretty low, to be honest' and then I worried that it was too much. I didn’t know this man or the friend he was with. But it wasn’t too much; he nodded and said that he and his friend were feeling down too. 

The friend had lost her job and was struggling to stay positive.

We talked about the fact that she shouldn't have to be positive about it. Toxic positivity - which is when we feel a pressure to pretend everything is ok, when it isn't - is rife this year and it's not helpful. Instagram is awash with slogans which can make us feel like a failure when we are anything other than smiling. 

But it's bull. Yes, it's wonderful to be positive, but not when it's dishonest. The truth is that this has been a hard year for all of us and we are allowed to say that. 

A few years ago I would not have been honest to the couple in the coffee shop. 

I have always felt ashamed of my tendency to fall down into a black hole. I have seen it as a failure, a weakness and indulgence, something that should be toughed out and not talked about. I have beaten myself up for feeling down when I have so much compared to so many. 

But now I'm trying to be a bit more forgiving of myself. To accept that this is how I am and to spot the signs earlier. 

I've just emailed my doctor to see if I can get antidepressants. I know people have different views on them - and please don’t share yours with me, if you don’t mind - but they have helped me before and right now I'm going to take all the help I can. 

I'm also going to go easy on myself this month. In the past, I have punished my slowing mind (getting these words out feels like writing while being sedated) by drinking more coffee and pushing harder. This has resulted in burn out. This time I will rest, put up fairy lights, eat mince pies and go gently with my work. 

After I finish this newsletter, my computer is going off and I’m getting my nails done. My neighbour, Nelly, has bright blue shellacs which are fabulous - maybe that’ll cheer me up.

Finally, I will do my best to keep talking to people. The worst thing I do when I get like this is to hunker down and cut off all contact with people. 

During our chat in the coffee shop - which ended up lasting for two hours and spanned depression, anxiety and loneliness - my new friend got teary too.  

'Isn't it amazing that we can have a conversation like this?' he asked. 

'It is,' I said.   

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IN OTHER NEWS 

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Carrie Jade Williams came to our writing group on Saturday and has written this essay in the Financial Times. Diagnosed at 31 with a rare degenerative disorder, this essay is about how she writes when her brain ‘is in a war it will lose’. It is extraordinary and so is she. I will write more about her in another newsletter but for now please, please read her writing. 

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We are doing three more Writing for Fun and Sanity workshops Saturday 5, Saturday 12, Saturday 19th 1-2.30pm UK.

The sessions remain the highlight of my week. We come as we are: good mood or bad, chatty or silent, depressed or full of life. Each week I pick a theme - last week was gratitude, the week before relationships - and I set some writing prompts around the theme and people scribble. Some people then chat about what they wrote, while others prefer to stay quiet and listen. We do not read anything out loud and we are not trying to write a heartbreaking work of staggering genius; we are just moving a pen across a piece of paper to see what comes out. 

Money is tight for many of us at the moment so I’ve brought down the main ticket price. If you can pay £10, I would appreciate it. If you can’t, please use the ‘pay what you can’ option. If you can’t afford anything, drop me a line and we’ll sort it out. Please don’t let money be the reason you don’t come. If the idea of writing about your feelings is your idea of hell, that’s a good reason but not money. 

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Ever wondered what a 100 year old Christmas tree looks like? Well, here it is.

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Oh and actually, before the black dog took the joy out of window shopping, I ordered these knickers and they are brilliant. Seamless, soft and, well, I don’t know what other words to use to describe them but they are great. And yes they are big. My friend once told me I don’t wear knickers, I wear nappies.

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Ok, bye for now. 

Thanks for being there. I hope you have a nice weekend and know that if you are feeling crap right now you are not alone. 

Love and blue nails and big knickers, 

Xx