Do you feel like everyone hates you?
I just read a great article by Vicky Spratt on Refinery 29. The title was ‘Why do I think all my friends hate me at the moment?’
In it Spratt describes how all around her, friendships are fraying: ‘Some people are bruised because they were excluded from a group of six back when that was still allowed. Others are spinning out because a friend who is usually very quick to text them back hasn’t replied for over a week. A few are angry because they’ve misread a WhatsApp and decided, completely unreasonably, that everyone hates them. I do this too.’
She quotes psychologist Heather Sequeira who says that she has seen an increase in people with social anxiety. She also quotes Professor Robert Dunbar, professor of evolutionary psychology at the University of Oxford, as saying that ‘friendships decay when you don’t see people, and they decay quite fast’
Oh dear.
Sequeira explains that the texting many of us are relying on now, is causing problems. We are missing the nuances of body language, facial expression and tone of voice that help us understand what’s really being said. Without that information our nervous system reads everything as a threat, which is why we think somebody hates us if they have not returned a call or don’t sign a text with three kisses.
This might all sound a bit teenage, but I’m feeling it at the age of 43.
I have found myself reading all sorts of things into the fact that somebody hasn’t replied to my voice note STRAIGHT AWAY. I am also mega sensitive to anything that seems like criticism right now.
The other week a friend said ‘what?’ to something I’d said and I thought she’d meant that I was talking crap, as in ‘what’ on earth was I talking about? In fact, the line had broken up and she just hadn’t heard me. Another friend seemed quiet on the line and I worried that she was in a bad mood with me. Actually, the kids were doing homework and she was just talking low so as not to distract them.
We are all on edge. We are seeing things that are often not there. Especially if we live on your own and have too much time on our hands.
So, what to do?
At the start of lockdown, I was on about 10 WhatsApp groups. I’ve come off almost all of them. I am trying to call rather than text people.
This week I have spent most evenings on the phone talking with people, instead of being plugged into Netflix. I had proper long chats, the way I used to do as a teenager. I feel much calmer and happier as a result.
My tendency, when things are not good, is to go quiet and isolate. I’m working on not doing that now.
I am also trying to be more forgiving of bad moods, long silences and sharp comments – even my own. I’m also working on something that is not a strength of mine - apologising quickly when I’ve upset people.
I mess up. We all do.
And we’re also doing the best we can in very, very difficult times.
IN OTHER NEWS
Kamala Harris got married at the age of 50 to a man she met at 49. I worry it is sexist of me to be interested in this, and a sign that I am buying into this idea that what matters most about a woman is her marital status – but I found it comforting.
As a single 43-year-old who was only recently (on a date) asked ‘what was wrong with you?’ for being single, I liked to know that this exceptionally intelligent, accomplished, dignified, powerful woman was also single at my age.
I shared this article on Facebook and there were some great comments. My friend Charlotte Haigh pointed out that she probably wasn’t completely single until she was 50. She was just unmarried.
She wrote: ‘I do often think the way our society idealises the one 'big' relationship is very misguided and leads to a lot of misery. Many of us probably have different relationships at different times in our lives, and that's fine. I'm in a lovely relationship in my forties and it's not the same as ones I had when younger. It isn't going to be a marriage-and-kids kind of relationship. It's something else. It would probably be healthier to think in terms of a series of relationships rather than aiming for The One.’
I also got messages from people who fell in love in their forties, fifties and sixties and people who were perfectly happy having never married. Which is the case of the woman who wrote the article. Bella De Paulo is a psychologist and the patron saint of single people – her career is devoted to spreading the message that for many of us, living alone is our most happy state. She is in her sixties and has been single her whole life. Check out her TED Talk.
She makes really good points in the article about how it was a shame that the many friends who presumably have been there as a support over the years, did not stand next to Kamala on stage. That is the job of the spouse. She also wondered whether a single woman would ever be elected to this position. Good questions.
ARTICLES I’VE READ
This article made me want to cry and shout. Mary Heaton spent 41 years in a Wakefield asylum because she dared to criticise her vicar for not paying her for teaching his children. My friend Grainne sent it to me, commenting that it’s no wonder women are still afraid to express themselves. Too bloody right.
I liked this post from Elizabeth Gilbert on what she calls ‘Horizontal thinking’ - which is when we wake up and don’t want to get up and we lie there, allowing our heads to do a real number on us, imagining everything that can and will go wrong in life. Her advice: just get up. Things are always better when we get up.
THINGS I’VE BOUGHT
And speaking of getting up: the most important purchase of the week has been fancy sourdough. I go through phases when I won’t buy bread because once it’s in the house I will have toast for breakfast, lunch and sometimes dinner. But right now, I’m indulging. On grey mornings, the thought of marmalade on toast with lots of butter gets me out of bed and it seems like a small good thing in a world gone mad. Let me eat toast.
THINGS I’M WATCHING
Hugh Grant being BRILLIANT in The Undoing with Nicole Kidman.
This moment a ballerina with Alheimers moves to Swan Lake brought a tear to my eye.
And this conversation between Seth Godin and Marie Forleo is EXCELLENT on creativity and consistency. If I procrastinate enough by listening to everything Seth Godin has recorded will I one day be consistent?! Here’s hoping...
Ok that’s all.
It’s pouring with rain here and I’m feeling quite calm about this second lockdown. I have been hunkering down and getting work done. Actually this week I’ve liked my words for the first time all year, which is a huge relief.
And just in case anything in this communication might make you think I am in a bad mood with you, here are three kisses: xxx
Lots of love and toast with butter and marmalade and whatever makes you happy.
Xx
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