Is it time to end the tyranny of coupledom?
It’s time to end the tyranny of coupledom.
As headlines go, I thought it was a good one.
The article, in the Guardian, was by an academic who has done research in the UK, Bulgaria, Norway and Portugal and found that even in these times of gender fluidity and sexual freedom, there is still a huge pressure to be part of a couple.
Sasha Roseneil, a psychotherapist and a professor at UCL, writes: ‘…our lives remain profoundly shaped by the couple norm. This is the powerful and ubiquitous force – at once both social and psychological – which maintains that being in a couple is the natural and best way of living.’
She explains that governments favour couples, offering them economic and legal benefits. Well-meaning friends, family and colleagues routinely ‘cajole the uncoupled towards coupledom’, meanwhile our culture represents ‘the good life as the coupled life’ in a way that makes it impossible to believe that we could be happy outside a couple.
Professor Rosenail goes so far as to write: ‘To be outside the couple is, in many ways, to be outside, or at least on the margins of, society.’
It might sound a bit over the top, but I think her point is a valid one.
I have spent many years feeling flawed for not meeting the gold standard of coupledom.
Like most little girls who heard fairy tales about Prince Charming whisking Cinderella off her feet, I absorbed the message that this is what a happy ending is: being chosen, being loved. Ideally in a nice dress.
My parents never put any pressure on me to go down this road – mum doesn’t like hats - but other people feel quite within their rights to.
Uber drivers in particular seem very interested in my marital status.
One was horrified when I told him I was single and forty. ‘I thought you were young! But you are not! You must find boyfriend! Have babies! No partner, no life!’
Before I could say anything in my defence, he dropped me, literally and metaphorically, to the kerb.
And so, I am relieved when I read stories about people doing things differently.
In the article, and her book, Prof. Roseneil shares a few examples of ‘people who are actively challenging the couple norm.’
Vera, for examples, is a straight woman in her 40s who lives in Lisbon with her best friend, a gay man she refers to as her husband. Vanessa, in London, also considers her best friend to be the most important part of her life, so much so that they are considering a civil partnership, ‘allowing them to benefit from the protections and recognition available to sexual couples’.
Meanwhile, ‘Paul, a “happily married” gay man in Oslo, rejected the cultural expectations of monogamy and romantic love that attach to the couple norm, admitting that he had never been in love with his husband and that they both enjoyed sexual relationships with other men.’
I love these stories. And, actually, once you start looking, there are a lot of them around.
The Atlantic recently ran an article entitled ‘What if friendship, not marriage, was at the centre of life?’
There have also been articles about the rise of platonic co-parenting, where people who have not found The One, have found another way to have a family.
On the flipside, anyone watching the latest series of The Crown, can see the painful reality behind a fairytale wedding.
Relationship therapist, Esther Perel, says that it’s quite a recent thing— this worshipping of the couple — and it isn’t even good for those in one. She says that we now expect our partner to give us what a whole village would have given us a few generations ago. It’s just not possible and our unrealistic expectations are causing a lot of pain.
And so, I’ll do my best to lighten up about it all.
To remember that there are a million different ways to build a life with love in it, no matter what uber drivers may think.
IN OTHER NEWS
Have you put your Christmas tree up yet? All around me people are putting up their decorations. In November! Usually I’d get all ranty about how it’s too soon but sod it. We need all the fairy-lit joy we can get right now. I’m holding out for a while because I don’t think my hoover could handle the number of needles that would drop between now and Christmas. Instead I spent last night googling ‘Best Christmas West Wing episodes’...
ALL DRESSED UP AND NOWHERE TO GO
Harry Styles is wearing a dress on the cover of US Vogue! Do we care? Apparently, we do. Right wing commentator Candace Owens has tweeted that the outfit is ‘an outright attack’ on masculinity, adding: ‘There is no society that can survive without strong men… Bring back manly men.’ This caused actress Olivia Wilde to tell her she was pathetic, which prompted Owens to tweet it was no wonder Wilde was single.
Then (of course) Piers Morgan jumped on board to say it was weird, while Harry’s mum thinks she started it all. ‘I was always a big fan of doing fancy dress with them when they were smaller.’ Falling further down the Harry-Styles-in-a-dress rabbit hole, I then read an interesting piece in the Evening Standard outlining men’s history of wearing skirts, going back to Egyptian times, followed by looking at pictures of US presenter Jimmy Fallon dressing up like Styles. I concluded that us humans are a bit mad! All these people making much ado about nothing! I then realised that I was the one who had just spent an hour reading about the much ado about nothing. Oh, well.
Dolly Parton is curing Covid! Of course, she is! Just when you think she couldn’t get any more wonderful – she does. And I’m sure she is just fine with Harry’s dress.
And, finally, if I ever do get coupled up – I would like it to be with a man like this.
Ok, on that note, I’ll say goodbye.
Love, tinsel and dancing spirit to you all.
Thanks for reading. You are my favourite, just don’t tell the others.
Xx