I made a lot of mistakes

Over the last few years

When I look back on life since March 2020, it’s like I’m looking back at a storm.

It’s like I stopped being ‘me’ - whatever that even means - and was wandering around quite lost. I didn’t handle things well.

I shut down, isolated, slept more than any human needs to sleep and watched more BBC crime dramas than any human should healthily be watching.

I don’t know why but I can’t get enough of watching people being murdered in car park, while a copper on the brink of a breakdown tries to get to the bottom of it. He or she (the copper) will usually be drinking too much and sleeping in the office because their partner has thrown them out…but they can’t stop, they have to find the killer.

Maybe, and this is only just hitting me now, maybe I relate to the copper who is unwashed and unhinged, hell bent on a mission to solve something that balanced people would walk away from.

I’ve spent the last four years persisting with a book that seemed to be going nowhere, while wading through sexual shame, Catholic guilt and fear of making people in my life unhappy. God alone knows how many hours have gone into this thing, and how many nights I’ve woken up in panicked sweats thinking ‘you can’t write this!’ about particular scenes which feature sex and nudity.

It has been heavy going. And in a lockdown too.

No wonder I got sick.

Looking back, I wonder if it would have been best to call it quits on the book when lockdown started and I didn’t have the brain power or robustness to engage in it.

Then again, if I had given up on it, I would have criticised myself for that too. You gave up, I’d have said. You’re a quitter!

‘I made a mess of everything,’ I said to a friend last night.

‘Is that true?’ she asked.

And of course it isn’t true.

My friend talked about holding multiple realities at the same time.

I made a mess of the last few years and I did my best.
The last few years were a storm and there were so many joyous moments too.
I made a lot of mistakes and I learned a lot.
I was not productive and I did some great things.
I have been a bad friend and I did all I could.

Yesterday I sent round 189 of book edits to my publisher. I am finally pleased with it. Despite all the pain, when I read it now it makes me smile. I worried there would be bad ju-ju in it, because of how much of a struggle it was, but I don’t think it reads like that. I hope not anyway.

I hope it will be a good thing in the world, and will make people who did not go down the traditional paths of partnership and children, feel better about their life.

I wish I hadn’t found (made) the whole thing so hard, but it happened how it happened.

And now I want to make peace with how the last few years have gone, in order to step into whatever might be next.

I was once asked to write an article about self-compassion for a newspaper but after a week of trying I had to tell them I couldn’t do it because even after all the self-help, I could not be kind to myself.

How crazy is that?

Now I’m trying again.

Dr Kristen Neff who is the guru of self-compassion recommends four steps:

STEP 1) Bring mindful acceptance to whatever is happening. Stop fighting it or suppressing it, admit to yourself: ‘This is a moment of suffering’

STEP 2) Realise that whatever your struggle, you are not alone. We all struggle. We all mess up. Am I the only person to struggle with a book? No. Am I the only person to get into debt? No. Am I the only person to suffer physical illness and depression? Not at all.

This feels like an important step. When I mess up, shame makes me want to hide… but that doesn’t help. We all mess up, we all have down patches. So instead of thinking I’m the worst person in the world, I can think, ah, ok! I’m human!

STEP 3) Offering yourself compassion and soothing. You might want to put your hands on your heart and say ‘May I be kind to myself.’ I find this hard, my inner nazi doesn’t want to let me off the hook for anything and being kind to myself makes me feel like I’m letting myself off the hook. But yes, I need to let myself off this meat hook on which I dangle! What good am I doing on a hook?!

I think there have been lots of studies done on how kindness is actually way more effective and efficient than being hard on ourselves. And yet, I still like to beat myself up. Oh well, we all need a hobby.

STEP 4) Ask yourself, ‘What do I need right now to express kindness to myself?’ For me the answer to this is always the same: rest. Rest, rest, rest. Which is ridiculous because I don’t think I could rest any more than I do… and yet that’s what I seem to need. Joy is the other word that comes up - so that can be the joy of lighting candles on a grey day, listening to music, having bright flowers etc.

As I share all this I worry it’s all self-indulgent nonsense from an over-thinker who hasn’t left her street much the last few months.

And then the kinder voice says, love, many people have had a rough few years and maybe this will help them.

I also read something about that old image of the caterpillar and the butterfly. When the caterpillar goes into a chrysalis, it doesn’t grow wings and become a butterfly, it melts down so it’s just goop. From this goop comes the butterfly.

Maybe this recent mess is that. Goop. On its way to becoming a butterfly.

xx

And here is a song I love about making a lot of mistakes… mistakes can make lovely art. xx