Things I've been buying

(because, yet again, nobody asked)

Thank you for the nice messages about the lists. It feels good to be talking to you all.

I’m typing this in my flat while the rain pours outside. It’s a proper Irish summer in London and I find it very relaxing.

This rain makes me want to take a giant nap and not do anything. There is no FOMO, no, I should go for a walk or go to a BBQ. The thing is I hate BBQs. Small talk and chipolatas? Not for me. It’s taken me 45 years to realise that I don’t like them but it’s official: I don’t.

So here I am, home alone in the rain, feeling quite sleepy and content… with not a chipolata in sight.

What I’m buying 

Decaff coffee. My sister is a new woman after giving up caffeine. She is sleeping through the night, and spending her days in zen like calm. She thinks it’s made an even bigger difference than giving up alcohol, which she did a year ago. I like a little caffeine buzz in the morning but I reckon it’s affecting my sleep more than I realise, so I’ve now bought decaf and am doing half and half in my plunger in the morning. I also want to buy a Fitbit to measure my sleep.

HRT

I have gone on HRT, which is very zeitgeisty of me. I don’t know how it is around the world but in the UK there have been a lot of publicity around menopause in the past year. Some people find the celebrities talking about their menopause hell to be annoying and possibly scaremongering - some people get through midlife without much drama - but I’m grateful for all the awareness. Traditionally women have had to put up and shut up about so much and I’m glad that we are now making a noise.

My suffering has been the usual low key boring, hard to pin down stuff: brain fog that can actually make life quite peaceful but which makes working very difficult. Memory issues; I was living a goldfish existence swimming around my little flat thinking ‘who am I? Where am I? What am I doing?’ every three seconds. Extreme mood swings which meant that even when things were good there was a kind of hollowness to the happiness, I knew a crash could come any second and it usually did. Exhaustion; two naps a day exhaustion - it comes over me literally like I’ve been drugged. And then the aching bones, chin hairs, nostril hairs, parched skin. Oh and the weight gain! I can almost see my body expanding in front of my eyes. It’s kind of fascinating. Sometimes it bothers me and a lot of the time it doesn’t.

The main thing I want back is my brain power and energy and so far - four weeks in - it’s really helping with that. I had a morning last week when I was writing an article and lovely words were popping out of my mind and I was smiling as I typed - it reminded me of how my brain used to feel in my thirties. It was such a joy.

Nostril hair zapper

Yup, the glamour continues! Chin hair, nostril hair, the occasional solitary black hair on my neck that appears fully formed at 5cm long… it’s all going on here. So now instead of going to BBQs I sit at a magnifying mirror zapping all my facial hair. Everyone needs a hobby!

Face oil and a Gua sha

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have been reading Destination Fabulous by Anna Murphy. It’s about how she, at 51, now looks and feels better than she ever has. It was an expensive read because it made me want to buy everything she recommends - including facial brushes (like a tooth brush but for your face - feels surprisingly good), body brushes to nuke cellulite (hasn’t happened yet), a jade Gua Sha and Soveral’s all-natural face oils. Here is an article she wrote for Vogue if you want to get an idea. I can't say I’ve notice any difference yet but to be honest I keep forgetting to use these wonder tools and fall asleep with an unwashed face instead.

Pasta

My neighbour Egle has opened a pasta restaurant in East London and it’s really really good. And I’m not just saying that because I’m her neighbour. I’ve been lucky enough to eat in some fancy places over the years but few make me want to go back the very next day, which was the case with Darling’s. I brought a food reviewer friend with me and she reckons that it’s one of the best restaurants in London right now. I agree.

Two for one cocktails

A cocktail bar has opened on our street and it’s called My Ex. It was started by a guy who literally wanted to prove something to his ex - ‘look at me, we broke up and I started a great bar! Who’s sorry now!’ - and on the wall there’s a sign saying ‘Our cocktails are as cold as your ex’s heart’. It seems like bad ju ju to put into a place where people are having their first dates but still the cocktails are great and they are two for one between 5-7pm. Gary and I got for a ‘Spicy Date’ most weeks.

WHAT I SHOULD BE BUYING ACCORDING TO THE SUNDAY PAPERS

OK, so it’s been a while since I have bought the Sunday Papers. I used to read them religiously and then when self-helping started, I stopped. Now I’m getting them again and again, I don’t know if it’s my age or what but so much of the fashion seems ridiculous to me.

Here are a few things I should want to buy according to the Sunday supplements: A crochet hat. £860 flip flops. Yup, I repeat £860. ‘Hungry Bum’ bikini bottoms, which are tiny bikini bottoms that leave your bum on show and the FT is telling me about the fact that women are now buying matching tablecloths and dresses to entertain with. What?!

Part of me thinks, oh lighten up, Marianne, this is just fluff and nonsense but then the other part of me gets angry for how many years I spent reading this stuff and buying into the idea that a £860 flip flops was something to aspire to. Even if I didn’t think I was being influenced by all this, I really was. I thought that stuff - the right jeans, the right rugs, the right bag! - would make me feel good and then blamed myself when it didn’t work and I’d set off aiming towards the next thing.

This, I’m beginning to understand, is how a capitalist world works (I am so late in the day in learning about things like capitalism and patriarchy but I’m now on it! A middle aged woke woman!) Anyway ‘stuff’ is sold as the solution to all our woes because it keeps the system going but it’s not the answer at all. We need hugs and security and nature and freedom and food and all those basic things that have kept humans alive throughout history. We do not need £860 flip flops. But then, just as I get all on my soap box about this, I turn the page and see a lovely sun dress and think, oh, that’s nice…

I guess, as with all things, it’s a balance. A balance between enjoying beautiful things and feeling like you are not worthy if you don’t the the latest flip flop. A balance between enjoying the finer things in life, while also making sure you are looking after the basics - your relationships, your health etc.

Here ends the sermon.

Love and hugs.