Most people I know are hitting a wall at the moment. It has been raining here in London and people are exhausted, sick, home-schooling, lonely and fed up.
Those who live with family are taking walks in the dark just to get a moment of peace, and those of us living on our own have tired eyes from being on Zoom and tired bones aching for a hug.
I spoke to three friends this week. Each has quite a different living situation, but they described a similar experience of being haunted by old memories.
One has been having vivid dreams. When we spoke, she had just dreamt of someone she had been horrible to at school when she was ten. She woke up feeling awful. ‘Why couldn’t I have just been nice to her?’ she wondered. ‘And why am I thinking about her now?’
Another isn’t sleeping much at all, instead she is lying awake with decades-old family stuff floating around in her head. She says her life feels like getting into a bath and having to sit in the dirty water, her old muck all around her.
It was a good description, I thought.
I wonder if a lot of us are in that place at the moment— with old stuff coming to get us.
I wonder if a lot of us are in that place at the moment— with old stuff coming to get us.
Usually, our lives are busy enough that we can stay in a state of distraction: living in forward motion, making plans, looking to what’s next.
Now we can’t leave the house and we can’t leave ourselves.
Nobody knows what’s next. In some ways, the future has, temporarily, been taken from us.
And so, we are left with our thoughts about the past, our regrets and longings.
But we also have the present moment.
Eckhart Tolle would tell us to embrace the here and now, of course— to feel our body, take a deep breath and accept that peace is only ever found in this present moment…
Therapists might argue that this is a good opportunity to address things that we might have been running away from for years. Demand for online therapists has dramatically increased since the beginning of the pandemic and I’ve started doing therapy on Zoom. It’s great. I just wish it was more affordable and accessible.
I’ve also gone back on antidepressants. I used to feel very ashamed of going on medication, and of getting depressed, but I’m trying to be less ashamed now, and just accept that this is the way I am and be grateful that the pills make a difference.
Failing drugs, spirituality, and therapy, there is Netflix and the comfort of knowing that most of us are in the same boat.
I am trying to remind myself and my friends that we are doing really well. Just think about what we’ve gone through in the last year, think about how well we have adapted to having almost every aspect of our lives turned upside down.
Just to get up every day and function at all is really something.
Just to get up every day and function at all is really something. And if we aren’t getting up and functioning, that’s fine too. Maybe we need the rest.
My friend, Iris, just sent me a tweet that someone had shared about hitting a wall. ‘Sometimes walls are there so we can lean on them and rest,’ the message read.
Isn’t that just perfect?
And whether we are in bed, curtains closed, or trying to teach maths to children who won’t sit still, the world keeps turning and we are still here.
That is enough.
Love
Mx
WHAT I’M READING
I read a great article by Emma John called ‘Why are increasing numbers of women choosing to be single?’ This piece outlines how, in many ways, the stigma of being unpartnered is dropping, and being single can now be seen as a choice rather than a failure, but in other ways, there's still this sense that without having gone through the rites of passage of getting married and having children, we have not grown up or become proper ‘adults’. Have a read if you have time, I think she expresses things really well. An interesting history of the word 'spinster' is included as well.
I am also continuing my John O’ Donohue love affair by reading his book, Anam Cara, which is Celtic for ‘Soul Friend’. It’s an absolutely beautiful book about friendship and how we are connected to life, nature and each other. I loved this quote: ‘A friend is a loved one who awakens your life in order to free the wild possibilities within you.’ I feel so lucky to have friends like this.
And from the sublime to the ridiculous…
WHAT I’M WATCHING
I’ve been watching How To Get Away With Murder on Netflix. I don’t know why I’m watching this show. It’s ridiculous. It’s about lawyers who keep killing people and then covering it up before having lots of sex with each other, all whilst wearing high heels, power-dresses, and moody faces. I hate it so much, I’m currently on the third season and each season has 15 episodes. God knows how many hours I’ve lost to it. I keep thinking about telly addiction and will write about it at some point. I spoke to a friend last night who says that he is not reading anymore. ‘Books used to be my way of getting away from people,’ he said. ‘Now I don’t want to get away from people, so I watch telly.’ Me too.
We are now building up a full curriculum of events! It’s quite exciting.
NEW YEAR IMAGININGS
First up, Aisling and I are doing a re-run of New Year Imaginings on Sunday 31st January, 1-4pm (GMT). It’s not a new year’s resolution or goal-setting workshop, it’s more a chance to use your imagination to daydream about a more beautiful future through a mixture of meditating, writing and chatting. The first session was quite magical. Click on this link to get more information
THE KINDNESS METHOD
Then on Sunday 7th February, 1-3pm (GMT), I’m doing a workshop with my good friend Shahroo Izadi based on her book, The Kindness Method. Many of you might be familiar with Shahroo who is a rare beast in the wellness world – in that she is funny and real and honest and non-preachy. Her approach involves how to change habits by going easy on yourself and understanding why you do what you do. She has spent years working in addiction services and has used her own method to lose eight stones in weight. I genuinely love her work.
HOW TO LOVE YOUR LIFE
Finally, thank you everyone for the lovely comments about the newsletter featuring Carrie last week. If you didn’t read it, please do. I promise it will cheer you up. We will be doing a workshop called How to Love Your Life on Sunday 14th February, Valentine’s day, and I will share details in next week’s newsletter.
WRITING FOR FUN AND SANITY
And last but not least, Writing for Fun and Sanity will be on every Wednesday evening and Saturday lunch from now until the end of February. Thank you to everyone who comes. YOU ARE EVEN BETTER THAN NETFLIX! And I’m not sure if praise can get any higher than that right now.
Hitting a Wall